It has been a while since I blogged, which I apologize for. However, I have been thinking about this blog post for a while, so that counts, right?
I want to talk about my feelings. You have been warned.
I made the decision to study abroad in Jordan within about a week of learning about the CIEE program in Amman (with a little help from my Carleton study abroad advisor who had recently returned from visiting the program and encouraged me to take a look at it). At the time, I was having a pretty rough time at school, and I couldn't really figure out why. Too much work? Too hard? Not hard enough? I couldn't put my finger on then source of my depression, but it was there and effecting me daily. It didn't take me long to decide that I needed to get away again - away from Carleton, away from Northfield, and away from the United States and my comfortable life.
It is not until now, here in Jordan, that I am starting to put the pieces together. I returned from a year-long Rotary Youth Exchange to Brazil in the summer of 2011. I thought I was ready to return to the United States and start my life as a college student, and initially the transition went well. I spent most of my time working and studying and being a "college student," whatever that meant. I didn't spend much time dwelling on my year before. I missed Brazil, certainly, but I was too busy with my American life to think about it too much.
Spring term came around and I was miserable. Every day was a struggle and I lost all motivation and passion in my American, college life -- the life that I had planned entirely and completely. As I said, I could not figure out what the specific source of my despair was, and that was more frustrating than anything else. The only source of light at the end of the tunnel was my upcoming trip to Europe that summer. This was also the time that I made the last-minute decision to apply to study abroad in Jordan. It just seemed like the right thing to do, and somehow I knew that it would "help" me.
So, here I am. I spent the summer traveling around Europe, then returned home to work and prepared for Jordan, and then I left. I left my home, my friends, my family, my cat, my school, my schedule, my job. Everything that had made up my planned, organized American lifestyle was left at home. Again.
My experience here in Jordan is in every way different, and yet the same, as my experience in Brazil. The people are different, the landscape is different, the language is different . . . but my feelings are similar. I am frustrated daily. I am exhausted daily. I am challenged daily. I smile daily. I am FEELING daily.
That, I discovered, was the source of my despair this past year back in the U.S. When I boarded the plane leaving my year in Brazil behind me, that is also when and where I left my feelings. I didn't let myself cry or think about all the people and all the love I was leaving in Brazil - I focused on the future back at home in America. I threw myself into work and school and never let myself return to that airport in Belo Horizonte -- I never let myself mourn my year in Brazil. And because of that, I never learned how much it meant to me, and how much it had changed me.
Until now. Here I am, another 6,000-some miles away from my home in Minnesota, and I have discovered that I am more homesick for Brazil than I am for my own home (Sorry, Mom and Dad... I miss you, too!). I have been listening to my Brazilian music, watching the Brazilian news and novelas, and creeping on all the pictures of the current Rotary exchange students there. I am remembering my friends and my families, and all the people who were in my life in Brazil. All the people who taught me Portuguese, taught me the culture, taught me the new food, taught me the football teams, and above all, taught me to love.
As cheesy as it sounds (I am avoiding reading what I just wrote. . . ) that is the reality. In order to realize the full extent of what my year in Brazil meant to me, I needed to come here, to Jordan. Once again, I am going through the process of learning how to love again. I had lost that in the United States because I was not challenged to love it -- it was home, it was comfortable, of course I loved it! Because of this, I did not give myself time to feel any feelings that may have been hiding under all that fuzzy comfort. It is very easy to hide in your own culture, but as soon as you are forced out into the open, into the unknown, you don't know how to really feel. For me, I had hidden away a year's worth of feelings that I didn't know how to mix into my life in America. I couldn't make the connection, because I wasn't in an environment that forced me to make the connection.
Jordan has forced that connection. I am vulnerable, scared, and challenged here. Everything is new and different, and I am forced to think about things in new ways -- which is exactly what I needed. I can only hope that these next two months I will continue to learn more and more about my new world and life here in Jordan, and what it can add to my own story back in America.
I am so thankful for all of the opportunities I have been blessed with. I need to thank everyone who has made these last three years possible - first and foremost, my parents, who have supported me every minute of everyday (even when I came to them asking if I could study in the Middle East :) ), and then to Rotary International, especially my home district 5950/5960 and all the people at North Star Rotary who have led me through my year in Brazil and back, and of course Rotary District 4520 in Minas Gerais, Brasil and the Rotary Club of Sete Lagoas - Boa Vista who hosted me. To all my host families and friends in Brazil - I cannot begin to express my gratitude for all that you taught me. My heart is so full of love because of you all. I also need to thank the people at Carleton College who encouraged me to apply to study abroad and have made it possible for me to be here in Jordan today. Also, to the people at CIEE who have made this program possible. Finally, I would like to thank my host family here in Jordan who have been so welcoming and kind. I also need to extend a special thanks to another Rotary connection here in Amman - The Rotary Club of Amman West invited me to attend one of their district meetings this past week and once again Rotary demonstrated their kindness and support that extends beyond political and cultural boundaries.
I want to talk about my feelings. You have been warned.
I made the decision to study abroad in Jordan within about a week of learning about the CIEE program in Amman (with a little help from my Carleton study abroad advisor who had recently returned from visiting the program and encouraged me to take a look at it). At the time, I was having a pretty rough time at school, and I couldn't really figure out why. Too much work? Too hard? Not hard enough? I couldn't put my finger on then source of my depression, but it was there and effecting me daily. It didn't take me long to decide that I needed to get away again - away from Carleton, away from Northfield, and away from the United States and my comfortable life.
It is not until now, here in Jordan, that I am starting to put the pieces together. I returned from a year-long Rotary Youth Exchange to Brazil in the summer of 2011. I thought I was ready to return to the United States and start my life as a college student, and initially the transition went well. I spent most of my time working and studying and being a "college student," whatever that meant. I didn't spend much time dwelling on my year before. I missed Brazil, certainly, but I was too busy with my American life to think about it too much.
Spring term came around and I was miserable. Every day was a struggle and I lost all motivation and passion in my American, college life -- the life that I had planned entirely and completely. As I said, I could not figure out what the specific source of my despair was, and that was more frustrating than anything else. The only source of light at the end of the tunnel was my upcoming trip to Europe that summer. This was also the time that I made the last-minute decision to apply to study abroad in Jordan. It just seemed like the right thing to do, and somehow I knew that it would "help" me.
So, here I am. I spent the summer traveling around Europe, then returned home to work and prepared for Jordan, and then I left. I left my home, my friends, my family, my cat, my school, my schedule, my job. Everything that had made up my planned, organized American lifestyle was left at home. Again.
My experience here in Jordan is in every way different, and yet the same, as my experience in Brazil. The people are different, the landscape is different, the language is different . . . but my feelings are similar. I am frustrated daily. I am exhausted daily. I am challenged daily. I smile daily. I am FEELING daily.
That, I discovered, was the source of my despair this past year back in the U.S. When I boarded the plane leaving my year in Brazil behind me, that is also when and where I left my feelings. I didn't let myself cry or think about all the people and all the love I was leaving in Brazil - I focused on the future back at home in America. I threw myself into work and school and never let myself return to that airport in Belo Horizonte -- I never let myself mourn my year in Brazil. And because of that, I never learned how much it meant to me, and how much it had changed me.
Until now. Here I am, another 6,000-some miles away from my home in Minnesota, and I have discovered that I am more homesick for Brazil than I am for my own home (Sorry, Mom and Dad... I miss you, too!). I have been listening to my Brazilian music, watching the Brazilian news and novelas, and creeping on all the pictures of the current Rotary exchange students there. I am remembering my friends and my families, and all the people who were in my life in Brazil. All the people who taught me Portuguese, taught me the culture, taught me the new food, taught me the football teams, and above all, taught me to love.
As cheesy as it sounds (I am avoiding reading what I just wrote. . . ) that is the reality. In order to realize the full extent of what my year in Brazil meant to me, I needed to come here, to Jordan. Once again, I am going through the process of learning how to love again. I had lost that in the United States because I was not challenged to love it -- it was home, it was comfortable, of course I loved it! Because of this, I did not give myself time to feel any feelings that may have been hiding under all that fuzzy comfort. It is very easy to hide in your own culture, but as soon as you are forced out into the open, into the unknown, you don't know how to really feel. For me, I had hidden away a year's worth of feelings that I didn't know how to mix into my life in America. I couldn't make the connection, because I wasn't in an environment that forced me to make the connection.
Jordan has forced that connection. I am vulnerable, scared, and challenged here. Everything is new and different, and I am forced to think about things in new ways -- which is exactly what I needed. I can only hope that these next two months I will continue to learn more and more about my new world and life here in Jordan, and what it can add to my own story back in America.
I am so thankful for all of the opportunities I have been blessed with. I need to thank everyone who has made these last three years possible - first and foremost, my parents, who have supported me every minute of everyday (even when I came to them asking if I could study in the Middle East :) ), and then to Rotary International, especially my home district 5950/5960 and all the people at North Star Rotary who have led me through my year in Brazil and back, and of course Rotary District 4520 in Minas Gerais, Brasil and the Rotary Club of Sete Lagoas - Boa Vista who hosted me. To all my host families and friends in Brazil - I cannot begin to express my gratitude for all that you taught me. My heart is so full of love because of you all. I also need to thank the people at Carleton College who encouraged me to apply to study abroad and have made it possible for me to be here in Jordan today. Also, to the people at CIEE who have made this program possible. Finally, I would like to thank my host family here in Jordan who have been so welcoming and kind. I also need to extend a special thanks to another Rotary connection here in Amman - The Rotary Club of Amman West invited me to attend one of their district meetings this past week and once again Rotary demonstrated their kindness and support that extends beyond political and cultural boundaries.
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